The Phoenix

I stand before myself

Suspended between what was, what is, and may be

My dreams ignite and fade, were born and have died, will be birthed again from this higher ground

My heart a tangled web of past experiences, I designed to break me, mold me, transform me into the truth, my soul’s education beacons me forward where my conscious personality resists

These debts I pay from long before, creating reality from a place I cannot see, from a space I do not know

Only in glimpses can I see what was, only in this moment can I respond to what is

Shifting back and forth into the arms of faith back into the gaping jaws of the past

This memory, this mind, its purpose?

My choice

Its power, I allow or not

A friend or foe

I remember a scene, a moment in time suspended in my memory, a moment that changed the course of who I thought I would become, changing the presence of my innocence on this planet riddled with gaping wounds, bloodied speech, dark and treacherous action

I was among them, hunted and captured, stripped and devoured

In these memories not one, but many times, many occasions to rewound, to re-enforce my nothingness, my grief so profound these words are but a representation of things that cannot be explained or grasped by my own mind

These moments that stole my life, my energy, my souls desire to express

I said no, I would not live here, I would not love, I would not care for this place, or these people so jaded by their own sense of themselves, wounds inflicted with precision, with intent, with no understanding

This heart cannot survive this place, why could I be here?

Waiting to be set free, renamed as victorious, fearless, and free

I would wonder where she went this child I was. Where did she go to die?

Memories came crashing like a violent storm designed to plunge me into the fear, the grief, the distain, the hate

How many years have been spent in retribution for an event I did not create, that was not my fault, that sought to destroy me and to teach me

My body hot with release, I hold back my tears, I tell myself I have cried enough

I went into the belly of my personal beast, where else could I go, where else did I deserve to be but there among the demons, riding my sorrow like a dark wave of regret and shame

Where was my beautiful life, my friends I would have, my family, my love, the beloved mirror of my heart, my God, where was my God?

My eyes lose their focus as I wander back to the sights, the smells, the scent of fresh violation, the image of me as a child, vulnerable, impressionable, pure, young

Longing for my father who stepped back home, longing for attention, approval, understanding the ways that needs are met in this place called Earth

So, I played as the rest, but the mysteries and guidance of my heart never died

I remember the child wonder of thinking there could be more

How grand this life could be?

That I was and am the creator of my dreams turned real

I write this passage as a marker of things past, of cruelty, abuse, violation that will not scorch my soul any longer, its time is complete

Fearless I stand in this crucible I have created to return me home to my truest self,

It is not for me to decide the fates of those intricately weaved into my consciousness, but mine-my work of change and transformation, designed to free my soul to express as Grace made manifest on Earth and so it is and will forever be